It's 1am Im so beyond tired and yet I can't sleep. Why? Because I feel like complete shit. I've been upset , I've had my breakdowns but I have yet to really feel crappy about all of this until yesterday. I'm downright depressed . I feel so alone- no one calls to see how Iam. Yes I get offers for help with the kids and such but why is it so hard for people to just ask me if I'm ok? Cause you know what I'm not. Overnight I became a single mom, I was left with every responsibility. He walked away and never looked back. I'm not only left to deal with my pain and make sure I hold it together but also left with my kids pain and trying to make life the same for them. I try so hard to quit asking why, I know I will never get any answers but its not that easy. A friend is going through something similar and she told me how her dad went off on her husband. I was so jealous- no one has backed me up. No one has stood up for me and the kids except me. He's been allowed to walk out with no consequences - blame it all on me - last I checked I had nothing to do with his choice to pretend he has no family and no children. Last I checked I don't make choices for people. But where is everyone telling him this is bullshit. Where is everyone supporting me? Where's my back up , why am I yet again fighting alone? I feel so betrayed , and not just by him. Amazing how when you truly need people ... No ones there. Why should I have to pick up a phone to make you ask if I'm ok? I've had one person be therefor me- truely be there and I haven't had to ask. Granted yes I've had many people help so much with the kids- I can't express my gratitude enough for that. I'm busting my ass to not fall apart. I haven't stopped moving for fear of having time to think. I can't think ,I can't face any of this because then I will feel the pain I'm trying so hard to ignore. I see a therapist once a week- cause I have to have someone who really wants to listen. I'm so embarrassed and shocked that this is what my life has become. While everyone else's life goes on mine is at a standstill. I can't move forward without answers- and not why but where do I go from here. When he walked out he never looked back- I have no clue what the status of my marriage or my life is. And I certainly can't go back. There's no chance of fixing this. The damage he has done can never be undone or even remotely patched up. What I wouldn't give to move away and start over, but deep down I know it will always catch up to me. I couldn't fathom walking away, and tonight it makes me even more glad I have my children, they are here with me to love and protect and always be grateful for. Tomorrows another day. Hopefully one packed full of things to do - amazing what you can accomplish when you refuse to have a free moment. I'm hoping the tears have worn me down enough to sleep.