It's been just over a week since he walked out. Haven't heard from him in 3 days. How can you just walk away from your life like that. From your family and your kids. I just don't get it , I avoid it at all costs. Not feeling it is the answer right now. The kids don't ask- thank god cause answering them without judgement is hard. I have no clue where life is supposed to go from here, I'm left to assume he's found better since we weren't worth staying and fighting for. What a horrible feeling. I do have some answers- as to why and how someone can behave like this. But it doesn't make it any better. It makes me realize that I'm fighting a fight that will never end. A mental disorder that has no fix, he showed signs before the explosion and now it's just multiplied. The simple truth is its not healthy for any one of us to be around him, it's a good thing( if you want to use those terms) that he isn't here. But yet again it makes not one bit of this easier. We are struggling and he's off enjoying life while not one person holds him accountable- how is that fair? Ya I know life isn't fair.... Well screw life then, we deserve so much better and if I'm the one that gives it to all of us then I better start busting my ass cause its not going to be easy

I hate night

I hate nighttime, I used to love it , had always been my favorite time. But now it's the worst. I felt good today- like I had calm with a lot of things. I felt good about decisions and about how life is at the moment. But just when I don't think it can get any worse it does. How does a human being treat people so bad and then be able to look in a mirror. I hurt for my children because its not just me he's hurting. Tomorrow is Deklans 2nd birthday and the one thing that will be missing is his father. He chose to get drunk tonight - rather then come see his children as he promised. And now I'm the one dealing with my daughters hurt . How can life change so fast? This past weekend we were a happy family now it's just a nightmare. All because one person made these choices. The sick feeling in my stomach sucks- cause its one I can't get rid of. I love my children more then life and I can't fathom ever wanting to hurt them- I don't know how anyone could.

How do people go through this and come out still standing? When did this become so bad that 2 adults who have been together for 9 years can't even talk to each other. I hurt so bad I can't breath- I want to curl up In Keelies bed and cry and never leave there. I don't want sympathy. I don't want to treat me any different I just want this nightmare to be over. I want my damn life back. I just want my life back

My little rock

Keelie knows nothing about what's going on, she hasn't even asked so tonight when I finally put her to bed she told me that she loved me very much, I told her I loved her very very much too and thanked her for staying up with me. She responded as she gave me a hug" mommy I loved staying up with you cause I didn't want you to be alone".It amazes me how kids know without knowing. She's my rock today :)!

We are truly alone

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have kept them in check though- a few times I've almost slipped. Sadly tonight I let Keelie stay up way past bed time just so I didn't have to be alone. I'm trying not to dwel or feel sorry for myself but as I sit here I realize It hurts , more hurt added onto the hell I'm already living. It makes me feel as if we are truly alone in this world. Is it ever going to end? It's kinda funny the things that are comforting and you don't realize it, like the noise of the heater or the dish washer. As soon as they shut off its a very lonely feeling. Amid all of this my stress level is surprisingly low. The stress of not having to deal with him and the day to day crap has been a bit of a relief. Granted dealing with it all at once would prob guarantee my spot in the loony bin for sure. I've had a lot of people reach out, but what do I say? When all I want to do is ignore every bit of it right now - ignoring means the pain isn't there. Yes I know at some point ill have to face it but for now ignoring works. My goal at staying busy today was successful, house is cleaned laundry is done, ran a few errands. Now I'm hoping the weekend is full so I can do the same, the more I'm busy the less time I have to think. Hell it's only 9 years of my life out the window, No big deal right? Ha ha I need to find a good comedy to watch, to bad Duck dynasty isn't on tv. Guess I should be a responsible parent and get my bug to bed, goodnight

Disgusted

How can someone fathom walking out on their family, especially their children. Not a single word to them- no contact nothing. And why the hell hasn't anyone said anything to him? Why am I fighting this alone? Why when I do something wrong everyone is quick to point it out yet I'm sure no one has said a word to him. I'm so angry right now, angry at everyone angry at the world .I want to explode either that or just hide. And god? If there is a god where are they in all of this? I hate this every damn minute of it.

Shocked

Tonight ended way different then I had ever imagined. I got home and my husband had packed his car. As soon as I was in the door he was out. I was devastated- crushed and completly shocked. I'm so lost anymore. I called my mom and my best friend- just when I thought the lonely feeling couldn't get any worse it did. I can't back down this time. He needs help- life can't go on and I can't keep giving in just to keep the life I so badly want. So I changed the locks- recoded the garage door and tomorrow is another day. My kids depend on me and my life will go on... Somehow

My day

My goal today was to avoid.... Stay busy & keep my mind off this hell - he was at work all day then Keelie had dance and I had school. I lined up a sitter because when he's behaving like this I have no clue how life will go and if he will be there to watch the kids. Got home from dance and was surprised he was home- spoke to him long enough to see if he was going to watch the kids. An hour into my class my phone started ringing- he called numerous times and I finally stepped out of class to answer. As soon as I said hello he started yelling at me- cussing furious as hell because he couldn't find his debit card. Oh course I'm to blame. So now I sit here worried where my kids are, how they are and if I should leave class to run home to them. I cringe at the thought that if they are fine and I get home god knows what ill get to deal with tonight. I want to scream- what am I supposed to do? I'm physically sick to my stomach with all of this.

self-righteous

I have never felt more alone and depressed in my life. How can someone who claims to love you treat you so bad. How can they be just downright mean and nasty. I've always been a very loyal and trustworthy person so what karma have I incurred to deserve this? I've stood here through everything , never left never deviated yet I'm the one walked on treated as if I'm crap in the bottom of his shoe. It is literally a war - my war.. At home. Sadly no matter how hard I have tried to make it a home it's anything but . Its all a huge cycle- with so many aspects- sadly I know exactly how each will go. The things he will say the way he will behave, I could go on for days about them but for now here is the one I'm currently fighting:.

The self righteous cycle- this one is hard to explain. The looks on his face, the darkness in his eyes. I explain it like this: he lives in a world- a world where everything is his way, everything he says everything he does is the ONLY way. It's right and that's all there is to it. Every last thing revolves around him. He is so high and mighty you better bow down and kiss his toes. He demands a servant , respect and for you to compromise with him- however there is no comprise its only his way. He sees everything he has done or the way he has behaved as right. He can do no wrong. There is absolutely no getting through this barrier, there's no room for argument . He will literally laugh in your face at anything you have to say. It's amusing to him that your even mentioning he has done anything wrong- that you aren't smart enough to see how he is right- he is reality and logic and only what he says can possibly be correct. He will lash out and say the most unimaginable things to me or the kids, then smirk as I cry. The hard  part is that everything he's doing is his choice- he is choosing his words, he is choosing his actions. What's killing me is why? Why one day he can be a husband and a dad and the next behave like a monster. He creates the most horrible sense of insecurity, I have no control and his next move could be devastating. He wants what he wants and he will get it no matter what it takes. There is no way to put every feeling, every pain staking moment he creates, every heart shattering memory. But I refuse to give up- I didn't invest 9 years to have is ripped away. I don't have two children and a dream for a functional amazing family for nothing. I'm strong hell I have to be and despite fighting the tears, despite fighting completely alone I know that no matter how the end turns out I will one day succeed with happiness and one day I will have the man I married back.

Worn- Tenth avenue north

This song says so much how I'm feeling today, if only music had the power to fix things

I'm tired
I'm worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes to keep on breathing
I've made mistakes I've let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world
Pre-chorus:
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Chorus:
Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise from ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause i'm worn

Verse two:
I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm to weak
Life just won't let up
Pre-chorus
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left
Chorus:
Oh Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Cause I'm worn
Bridge
:My prayers are wearing thin
Ya I'm worn
  Even before the day begins
Ya I'm worn
 I've lost my will to fight
I'm worn
So heaven come and flood my eyes
Final Chorus
Let me see redemption wins
 Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart that's frail and torn
I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life
And all that's dead inside can be reborn
Yes, all that's dead inside will be reborn
 Though I'm worn
Ya I'm worn

Our back story: after 7 years in the army 3 deployments and numerous duty stations my husband was forced to retire. During his third deployment in 2010, this one to Afghanistan he sustained a TBI and added to his PTSD as well as hearing loss, soft tissue damage and bruising in his legs back and neck in an IDE explosion to his Bradley vehicle. He initially presented with severe constant headaches which came with the nausea, dizziness ect. Once he arrived back in the states he started treatment with a neurologist numerous medications, counselors( all whom I seriously think made things worse) ect. When he came home he seemed to have a good sense about how hard it would be to reintegrate with his family, what steps to take how to step back and watch then try and so on. It was immediately obvious that this wouldn't happen. About 3 months after he had been home my husband lost it. I had never in my life feared this man or what he was capable of. He was removed from our home but that was it. Never got any help and eventually came home- In December of that year we pcsed to our home state of Colorado. Upon in processing to the post the medical sgt took one look at my husbands records and said he was recommending him for the meb board process. This started the long hated process of fighting to stay in the army, which we lost.  In march of 2012 the army medically retired him. On a daily basis I face the challenges of a completely changed person, his behavior in anyway you could imagine, his self control this list goes on ( google TBI) Our life has been anything but safe, loving and easy. I wish I had started blogging years ago but here goes my best at catching up on the past , blogging the current and hoping to god our future will only look up. I hope you can read and be easy as my posts are very fresh and raw. This is the life my family lives , this is our "war at home"