Healing Begins

So you thought you had to keep this up
All the work that you do
So we think that you're good
And you can't believe it's not enough
All the walls you built up
Are just glass on the outside

So let 'em fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Afraid to let your secrets out
Everything that you hide
Can come crashing through the door now
But too scared to face all your fear
So you hide but you find
That the shame won't disappear


So let it fall down
There's freedom waiting in the sound
When you let your walls fall to the ground
We're here now
We're here now, oh

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Sparks will fly as grace collides
With the dark inside of us
So please don't fight
This coming light
Let this blood come cover us
His blood can cover us

This is where the healing begins, oh
This is where the healing starts
When you come to where you're broken within
The light meets the dark
The light meets the dark

Songwriter(s):Jason Ingram, Mike Donehey, Jeff Owen
Copyright:Sony/Atv Cross Keys Publishing, Sony/Atv Timber Publishing, Windsor Hill Music, Formerly Music, West Main Music

MY life....

To all of those who feel its their right to talk behind my back about the situation my family is in maybe you should get your facts straight. I DIDN'T choose any of this. I didn't choose for him to abandon our family, to walk out and refuse to pay bills after 10 years together, to leave me with the only option of legal action to provide for my kids and pay the mortgage. I can't force him to pay for his motorcycle that is now being reposed. I can't force him to be a dad to his kids, a husband to me and to own up to his responsibilities . He walked away and decided a motorcycle club and the new life he started was worth more then us. He forced me to go back to work full time, to stress over every bill,groceries and way of life we used to have. He bought himself a new cell phone and left me to pay for his old one, he bought a new $26,000 bike and stopped paying for the $12,000 one siting in my garage. He comes around and ruins any progress we have made at moving on and does this when its continent to him..... I became a single parent over night. I'm raising my children 24/7 without a father because he wants nothing to do with us. Don't get me wrong I love those children more then life itself and I wouldn't give an hour away from them for anything.  If I had any power over what my life has become it wouldn't be this way. But I DON'T . So before you decide to judge me, alienate my children , and talk as if you have any right to do so ,do get one fact in your head. I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS, and I NEVER would have chosen this, nor would I ever ask anyone to be a part of this. I fought like hell the last 2 years as I continue to fight now and will always fight for my marriage and my family. But I can't control another persons choices or actions. If you also have a problem with me putting MY business out there then please do me the favor and go the hell away. You aren't the ones living in MY shoes going through the roller coaster of hell our life has become. You don't have to make the daily decisions that are best for my kids, you don't have to listen  to my daughter ask over and over why our family is "broken", and explain without hurting her more. My kids have had their hearts broken by that entire family. So until your in that position, until you have to fight the battles I'm fighting, think for one minute about someone other then yourself. I also don't want anyone feeling sorry for us. It is what it is and someway somehow life goes on.. So far we are doing a pretty good job at it.

Father figure

Today like most days is a reminder of the things our family is without now that will has left. However as I sit here and watch all these families interact with each other , I watch these dads be so interactive , having just as much fun as their kids and I'm reminded that my kids never had that to begin with. I had to fight with Will , almost force him to get "down" and play with his kids, to be an interactive involved parent. So I guess they can't miss something they never had, despite knowing Keelie seeks it , she sees it all around her, I hope it isn't something that hurts her inside. Ill never understand why our life has become this, someday I swear ill stop asking why. Deklan's utter excitement today just makes it hurt more that people would choose not to be in his and Keelie's lives. They are 2 amazing kids , luckily I get to be there for every bit of it.

It's 1am Im so beyond tired and yet I can't sleep. Why? Because I feel like complete shit. I've been upset , I've had my breakdowns but I have yet to really feel crappy about all of this until yesterday. I'm downright depressed . I feel so alone- no one calls to see how Iam. Yes I get offers for help with the kids and such but why is it so hard for people to just ask me if I'm ok? Cause you know what I'm not. Overnight I became a single mom, I was left with every responsibility. He walked away and never looked back. I'm not only left to deal with my pain and make sure I hold it together but also left with my kids pain and trying to make life the same for them. I try so hard to quit asking why, I know I will never get any answers but its not that easy. A friend is going through something similar and she told me how her dad went off on her husband. I was so jealous- no one has backed me up. No one has stood up for me and the kids except me. He's been allowed to walk out with no consequences - blame it all on me - last I checked I had nothing to do with his choice to pretend he has no family and no children. Last I checked I don't make choices for people. But where is everyone telling him this is bullshit. Where is everyone supporting me? Where's my back up , why am I yet again fighting alone? I feel so betrayed , and not just by him. Amazing how when you truly need people ... No ones there. Why should I have to pick up a phone to make you ask if I'm ok? I've had one person be therefor me- truely be there and I haven't had to ask. Granted yes I've had many people help so much with the kids- I can't express my gratitude enough for that. I'm busting my ass to not fall apart. I haven't stopped moving for fear of having time to think. I can't think ,I can't face any of this because then I will feel the pain I'm trying so hard to ignore. I see a therapist once a week- cause I have to have someone who really wants to listen. I'm so embarrassed and shocked that this is what my life has become. While everyone else's life goes on mine is at a standstill. I can't move forward without answers- and not why but where do I go from here. When he walked out he never looked back- I have no clue what the status of my marriage or my life is. And I certainly can't go back. There's no chance of fixing this. The damage he has done can never be undone or even remotely patched up. What I wouldn't give to move away and start over, but deep down I know it will always catch up to me. I couldn't fathom walking away, and tonight it makes me even more glad I have my children, they are here with me to love and protect and always be grateful for. Tomorrows another day. Hopefully one packed full of things to do - amazing what you can accomplish when you refuse to have a free moment. I'm hoping the tears have worn me down enough to sleep.

It's been just over a week since he walked out. Haven't heard from him in 3 days. How can you just walk away from your life like that. From your family and your kids. I just don't get it , I avoid it at all costs. Not feeling it is the answer right now. The kids don't ask- thank god cause answering them without judgement is hard. I have no clue where life is supposed to go from here, I'm left to assume he's found better since we weren't worth staying and fighting for. What a horrible feeling. I do have some answers- as to why and how someone can behave like this. But it doesn't make it any better. It makes me realize that I'm fighting a fight that will never end. A mental disorder that has no fix, he showed signs before the explosion and now it's just multiplied. The simple truth is its not healthy for any one of us to be around him, it's a good thing( if you want to use those terms) that he isn't here. But yet again it makes not one bit of this easier. We are struggling and he's off enjoying life while not one person holds him accountable- how is that fair? Ya I know life isn't fair.... Well screw life then, we deserve so much better and if I'm the one that gives it to all of us then I better start busting my ass cause its not going to be easy

I hate night

I hate nighttime, I used to love it , had always been my favorite time. But now it's the worst. I felt good today- like I had calm with a lot of things. I felt good about decisions and about how life is at the moment. But just when I don't think it can get any worse it does. How does a human being treat people so bad and then be able to look in a mirror. I hurt for my children because its not just me he's hurting. Tomorrow is Deklans 2nd birthday and the one thing that will be missing is his father. He chose to get drunk tonight - rather then come see his children as he promised. And now I'm the one dealing with my daughters hurt . How can life change so fast? This past weekend we were a happy family now it's just a nightmare. All because one person made these choices. The sick feeling in my stomach sucks- cause its one I can't get rid of. I love my children more then life and I can't fathom ever wanting to hurt them- I don't know how anyone could.

How do people go through this and come out still standing? When did this become so bad that 2 adults who have been together for 9 years can't even talk to each other. I hurt so bad I can't breath- I want to curl up In Keelies bed and cry and never leave there. I don't want sympathy. I don't want to treat me any different I just want this nightmare to be over. I want my damn life back. I just want my life back

My little rock

Keelie knows nothing about what's going on, she hasn't even asked so tonight when I finally put her to bed she told me that she loved me very much, I told her I loved her very very much too and thanked her for staying up with me. She responded as she gave me a hug" mommy I loved staying up with you cause I didn't want you to be alone".It amazes me how kids know without knowing. She's my rock today :)!

We are truly alone

Today has been a roller coaster of emotions. I have kept them in check though- a few times I've almost slipped. Sadly tonight I let Keelie stay up way past bed time just so I didn't have to be alone. I'm trying not to dwel or feel sorry for myself but as I sit here I realize It hurts , more hurt added onto the hell I'm already living. It makes me feel as if we are truly alone in this world. Is it ever going to end? It's kinda funny the things that are comforting and you don't realize it, like the noise of the heater or the dish washer. As soon as they shut off its a very lonely feeling. Amid all of this my stress level is surprisingly low. The stress of not having to deal with him and the day to day crap has been a bit of a relief. Granted dealing with it all at once would prob guarantee my spot in the loony bin for sure. I've had a lot of people reach out, but what do I say? When all I want to do is ignore every bit of it right now - ignoring means the pain isn't there. Yes I know at some point ill have to face it but for now ignoring works. My goal at staying busy today was successful, house is cleaned laundry is done, ran a few errands. Now I'm hoping the weekend is full so I can do the same, the more I'm busy the less time I have to think. Hell it's only 9 years of my life out the window, No big deal right? Ha ha I need to find a good comedy to watch, to bad Duck dynasty isn't on tv. Guess I should be a responsible parent and get my bug to bed, goodnight

Disgusted

How can someone fathom walking out on their family, especially their children. Not a single word to them- no contact nothing. And why the hell hasn't anyone said anything to him? Why am I fighting this alone? Why when I do something wrong everyone is quick to point it out yet I'm sure no one has said a word to him. I'm so angry right now, angry at everyone angry at the world .I want to explode either that or just hide. And god? If there is a god where are they in all of this? I hate this every damn minute of it.